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Bearoscope: Capricorn

Most North American black bears are born sometime beginning in mid-January right through to early-February making the yearly batch of cubs the astrological sign of either Capricorn or Aquarius. Being that my own birthday is in January I feel a certain kinship to the Capricorn’s born in the cold and dark of their den. As a birthday present to them and as they contemplate life outside of the den, I thought it fitting to read them their very own bearoscope.

Overview:

Say hello to life and hug your mom! With winter holding on to its’ final weeks of cold snaps and snow, cuddle close to your mom, wrestle with your brother or sister, and eat well (your mom has six nipples, ya know). Of course, being a Capricorn you’ll do this how you always do it – through hard work and determination. Life’s beginning was cold and dark, you were hairless and blind, and if you ever thought you might grow you probably also thought, “This den is too small.”

But take heart! You will grow to be beautiful and magnificent and your summer home is like nothing you have ever imagined. Forests, streams, mountain vistas, valley floors, and decadence; it’s here where you will discover a very good life.

Love & Romance:

This won’t cross your mind for a while but, that faithful night you are cuddled up and staring at Ursa Major with your soon to be significant other, you’ll probably have already celebrated your third birthday. Spend lots of time hang’n out with your pals while you’re young since most of your adult life will be solitary except during mating season. And, BTW, they don’t call it spring fever for nothing; you and most of your friends will be quite promiscuous! Chances are you’ll be paired with a Capricorn and a romp in the woods will feel natural, normal, and dare we say it – furocious.

Money & Career:

Don’t count on it. There are a number of famous bears but – to be honest – you’ll find a life digging for berries and grubs far more meaningful. To that end, please avoid becoming a star on YouTube unless it’s you doing something cute in the wild. If you live close to those hairless bipedal talking creatures, give them a wide berth and suggest they use a telephoto lens.

Health:

Keep this simple axiom in mind as you grow and search out a good life: Fad diets are bad diets. If you live close to people your nose will be tickled by the smell of BBQ’s, restaurant aromas, and even garbage – the worst food available, even though it is too often available. A healthy life is typically not the easiest life, but it is the good life – and a good diet matters. Also, be comforted that those infected wounds and sores you’re bound to get will heal remarkably well during hibernation, especially if you’ve eaten well. A word of caution if you’re a male bear: during mating season the competition is fierce and it is advisable to know where you stand in the pecking order. Eat well, grow big.

Anyhow, welcome to this world, bear cubs! We hope and pray and believe for the very best for you. Not only that but we’ll fight for you, advocate for you, and tell your story as best we can.

Good luck.

Fun video: Rick Mercer cuddles bear cubs while the biologist tags the mother. Hillarious and cute to boot!

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